Thursday, March 18, 2010
Been doing the right things so whats going on?
I have been eating reallly well lately, I saw a nutritionist and she helped me see how I can eat 1200 calories a day. So, I have been doing that, and exercising, and I haven't seen much weight loss so far. This is very disturbing because on my other program, where I drank shakes and ate protein bars, I lost weight very quickly. This program is a lot harder AND I am not seeing improvement. I actually have to eat right and exercise on this plan. I really hope I start dropping.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Milestone today!
I have been doing pretty well all day today with what I am eating. I had cornflakes and milk for breakfast, with cofee. Then I had my carrots and hummus as a snack. And two tiny Milky Way Halloween-sized candy pieces. And then I had a really hard time at Macy's with a bridal shower gift, I was going to get the best thing I could think of to eat, like maybe a huge sub from Subway. But after spending all the money, I just had a frozen burrito. I am surprised at my choice both for saving money and saving calories. Hooray! I am going out to dinner later, think I will order the crab cakes.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Good at Work, Bad at Home
From keeping my food journal, I have learned I am really accomplished at eating well at work. But its when I get home from work that I go buck wild. I don't know what to do about it, but my counselor today worked on some things I can do next time I want to eat something deliciously bad for me: 1) drink an entire glass of water 2) eat a protein bar instead 3) write in my food journal or here 4) do 10 stomach crunches (yeah right lol) 5) eat rice cakes
I hope it will work but I am sort of dubious. The thing that did surprise me is her assuring me there is a certain window of time, maybe a few seconds, where I CAN stop myself from eating what I am craving.
Here is what I had so far today:
8:30 am: cornflakes and 1% milk (I don't know why my boyfriend didn't buy skim)
11:00 protein shake
1:00 pm: 7 quorn nuggets, apple sauce, rice and beans from last night's dinner
2:30 apple with peanut butter
4:00 orange
I hope it will work but I am sort of dubious. The thing that did surprise me is her assuring me there is a certain window of time, maybe a few seconds, where I CAN stop myself from eating what I am craving.
Here is what I had so far today:
8:30 am: cornflakes and 1% milk (I don't know why my boyfriend didn't buy skim)
11:00 protein shake
1:00 pm: 7 quorn nuggets, apple sauce, rice and beans from last night's dinner
2:30 apple with peanut butter
4:00 orange
Monday, March 1, 2010
March 1
I am really ravenous today. Probably from the gym. I am dreaming of a cheese steak. I felt really stressed at all the homework I have to do and feel unfocused lately, or more likely have been for a while. Tonight after Zumba I am going to sit down and pump out some homework for the rest of the night. I have been afraid exercise will make me so tired I won't be able to get to my homework. Its been tough managing chores and life. All I ever want to do deep down is sit on the couch and watch tv. I have to force myself not to. I should really get rid of that damn tv.
I am quite starving now. Its 12:21 in the afternoon. I had cottage cheese, cantaloupe and coffee for breakfast, followed by a banana around 11:00. I have been eating too much fruit but its better than a lot of other alternatives. I would like to eat more snacks with vegetables in them. Anyway, I asked my boyfriend to put extra fake turkey on my sandwich to help my hunger, and bring me back an orange to eat later as well as the already planned snack of carrots and hummus. I like oranges because they take a lot of time to peel and it makes the whole process take more time and focus, for a low calorie food. I notice I am a lot better at my diet during the work week because my food is basically brought to me.
I am quite starving now. Its 12:21 in the afternoon. I had cottage cheese, cantaloupe and coffee for breakfast, followed by a banana around 11:00. I have been eating too much fruit but its better than a lot of other alternatives. I would like to eat more snacks with vegetables in them. Anyway, I asked my boyfriend to put extra fake turkey on my sandwich to help my hunger, and bring me back an orange to eat later as well as the already planned snack of carrots and hummus. I like oranges because they take a lot of time to peel and it makes the whole process take more time and focus, for a low calorie food. I notice I am a lot better at my diet during the work week because my food is basically brought to me.
Thoughts & Feelings
Well I have not been keeping up with this but I have been writing in a composition notebook whatever I eat and my thoughts and feelings during the day. I am going to write here when I feel like venting about food and related issues. This really helped me a lot when I was at my internship last year and dieting, I was able to lose a lot then and I think having somewhere to write may have contributed to that.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I ate like shit for lunch again. WON'T SOMEBODY HELP ME? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF! Once again I hate myself and feel hopeless and depressed. Did I mention I am just about 160 now at 158.1? I spent time thinking of solutions like going back to Dr. Solomon* or maybe I will just go to some kind of weight rehab for a few weeks. But then I thought, no nothing will help. It is hopeless. That is how I feel! I feel hopeless to think of somewhere to go or someone to help. Nothing has worked. I will be fat! I HATE ME.
I ate half a fried fish sandwich w/ tartar sauce and lettuce on rye, half the fries they have me, half the cole slaw, and some chicken noodle soup (which I am a vegetarian so I can't even control myself there. My dad made me get it and I didn't have the courage or communication ability to say, No, remember I am a vegetarian? I just figured I would eat the noodles and vegetables out of it.
Before I had gone to lunch I was instant messaging with my boyfriend and he said this to me:
Boyfriend: its painful for me to watch... you go from excited about goals to total anxiety, to depression and resignation, to smiling and doing things the old way so quickly, such quick shifts in mindset. all over the course of the same day.
Boyfriend: i feel like i don't know what to do to help you
Boyfriend: sometimes i feel like if i ignore it you'll figure it out
So what do I do? I just looked at pictures of some of my friends on facebook. Some of them are so beautifully thin, I love the look of a woman's neck bones and pretty neck area. I feel so depressed- I believe it sometimes that I could do it but mostly I don't. I feel depressed and like I am what I am, fat and ugly. Maybe I am meant to be this way because that is just what I am. What is wrong with me. Maybe I need depression meds. I am on a small dose of medication but maybe I have been in denial about how bad my depression really is.
P.S. If someone knows how to add a jump so my blog entries aren't so long, let me know. But I probably will give up on writing in this journal before long, anyway.
I ate half a fried fish sandwich w/ tartar sauce and lettuce on rye, half the fries they have me, half the cole slaw, and some chicken noodle soup (which I am a vegetarian so I can't even control myself there. My dad made me get it and I didn't have the courage or communication ability to say, No, remember I am a vegetarian? I just figured I would eat the noodles and vegetables out of it.
Before I had gone to lunch I was instant messaging with my boyfriend and he said this to me:
Boyfriend: its painful for me to watch... you go from excited about goals to total anxiety, to depression and resignation, to smiling and doing things the old way so quickly, such quick shifts in mindset. all over the course of the same day.
Boyfriend: i feel like i don't know what to do to help you
Boyfriend: sometimes i feel like if i ignore it you'll figure it out
So what do I do? I just looked at pictures of some of my friends on facebook. Some of them are so beautifully thin, I love the look of a woman's neck bones and pretty neck area. I feel so depressed- I believe it sometimes that I could do it but mostly I don't. I feel depressed and like I am what I am, fat and ugly. Maybe I am meant to be this way because that is just what I am. What is wrong with me. Maybe I need depression meds. I am on a small dose of medication but maybe I have been in denial about how bad my depression really is.
P.S. If someone knows how to add a jump so my blog entries aren't so long, let me know. But I probably will give up on writing in this journal before long, anyway.
I started a new post so I cAn utilize this jump and each and every rant won't take up my whole blog front page. So anyway back to my bitterness over having a strong appetite. Why do I have to spend my days daydreaming about all the delicious things i would like to eat? I want to live. I am sick of daydreaming about food, I want other excitement in my life. Its depressing! But its true. Right now I am dreaming of scrambled eggs and toast from Denny's right next door to my work. I am also dreaming of someway to have 'healthy' nachoes for dinner tonight, with fresh guacomole, cheese, beans and corn, fresh salsa. I am trying to get my SO to make it for us. Did I mention how lazy I am also? And how self-hating I will be in my rants and raves. It is true, it is really what I am thinking all the time.
He just said he doesn't want nachos, and I feel angry inside. Yeah it is fat of me to want nachoes for dinner. He wants the leftover vegan stew he made that we still have a lot of in the fridge. How is he always able to choose the responsible choice. I don't understand how he does it so serenely.
I was thinking of children this morning. I really don't want them to be fat growing up. I want them to at least have what I have, a childhood where they felt happy with their bodies and no one made fun of them for anything like that. Will I be able to do it with my current food issues? I doubt it. But I feel so miserable now, I am predicting a lifetime of misery and I will always be trying to feel better temporarily by eating.
When can I be alive? I don't even have sex. I used to confide in my friends about it, but I am too embarrassed to admit we are still having this problem. I don't even have sex or masturbate at all anymore. I am a shell of a person, a zombie with no human urges. That's how I feel. Soul-less. Passion-less. Numb. Frigid. Cold. Reserved.
My boyfriend just ticked me off again. BTW, I realize when I am ticked off that its for stupid reasons, that's why I am choosing to write about it here rather than say something. But lately, I have been feeling like for every one sentence I say, he says 20. I feel like it gets annoying listening to him, frankly. Then I feel bad for feeling that way about someone i love and I should be willing to listen to them no matter how long it seems like it takes them to express themselves. I think I may be the one who is abnormal here, because I don't talk much and when I do I prefer it to be short and sweet. I feel angry with him.
Now I am acting out. He got shitty groceries and wasted $120 doing so. He never wants us to fight, he thinks we have a terrible relationship if we do so. Or when we fight, we have to be so sweet and kind and respectful to one another. I want emotions damnit!
My brother is going skiing, talking about it on the phone. I feel bitter Barry is sick and I can't do anything this winter. Its terrible of me to say. based on everything I have said here, I might just be a horrible bitter resentful, miserable person.
He just said he doesn't want nachos, and I feel angry inside. Yeah it is fat of me to want nachoes for dinner. He wants the leftover vegan stew he made that we still have a lot of in the fridge. How is he always able to choose the responsible choice. I don't understand how he does it so serenely.
I was thinking of children this morning. I really don't want them to be fat growing up. I want them to at least have what I have, a childhood where they felt happy with their bodies and no one made fun of them for anything like that. Will I be able to do it with my current food issues? I doubt it. But I feel so miserable now, I am predicting a lifetime of misery and I will always be trying to feel better temporarily by eating.
When can I be alive? I don't even have sex. I used to confide in my friends about it, but I am too embarrassed to admit we are still having this problem. I don't even have sex or masturbate at all anymore. I am a shell of a person, a zombie with no human urges. That's how I feel. Soul-less. Passion-less. Numb. Frigid. Cold. Reserved.
My boyfriend just ticked me off again. BTW, I realize when I am ticked off that its for stupid reasons, that's why I am choosing to write about it here rather than say something. But lately, I have been feeling like for every one sentence I say, he says 20. I feel like it gets annoying listening to him, frankly. Then I feel bad for feeling that way about someone i love and I should be willing to listen to them no matter how long it seems like it takes them to express themselves. I think I may be the one who is abnormal here, because I don't talk much and when I do I prefer it to be short and sweet. I feel angry with him.
Now I am acting out. He got shitty groceries and wasted $120 doing so. He never wants us to fight, he thinks we have a terrible relationship if we do so. Or when we fight, we have to be so sweet and kind and respectful to one another. I want emotions damnit!
My brother is going skiing, talking about it on the phone. I feel bitter Barry is sick and I can't do anything this winter. Its terrible of me to say. based on everything I have said here, I might just be a horrible bitter resentful, miserable person.
The only time I have been able to lose weight in the last 5 years, I was on a high protein, very low calorie diet prescribed by my physician. I spent most of my time at my internship last year finding a secret corner to write my thoughts in because I was quite miserable and scared. But I am at the point of numbness and numbing myself with food and sleep and alcohol that I would rather feel miserable and scared than like a zombie anymore. So I will write down my miserableness here and maybe this will help me stay off fatty foods like it helped me survive on that diet last year.
So here I go. I am hungry right now. I feel like I wish more than anything I can eat whatever I wanted, all the delicious food, and still be thin like I used to be. i USED to be this way when I was a teen and early 20s. I could eat whatever I wanted. but the funny thing was, although I did do that, I was nauseous all the time and didn't want to eat. I would skip breakfast every day (I may start doing that again, fuck what they say about healthy diets including breakfast, for all I know that message is sponsored by the grain farmers or something), sometimes skip lunch or just have nachos or something in the high school cafeteria. my parents never had anything worth eating in the house so I would go hungry cuz I was too lazy to go out and get something, or had no money. Oh, and I smoked like a crazy person, so that helped also. Sometimes I want to go back to smoking. I loved it and it really grounded my life, every hour or so to go out into the fresh air and have some thinking time. I was more alive then, always smoking cuz I was stressed about something in my life. Now I have no stress, and my life is boring. But knowing me, I would then just smoke and be fat still anyway, and I don't want to be that incredibly white trash.
My friend just went to get a coffee and donut. We are always partners in crime with getting nasty things to put in our body, but she didn't offer today and I didn't ask for a donut. I can pass that up. But now I do have this thought in my head, like I have some kind of permission to eat also, something delicious. I feel sorry for myself that I ate this stupid protein shake for breakfast instead of something delicious like eggs and toast.
I am angry that I have to be hungry all the time. And I am miserable like this, pretty much most of the time unless I am eating or about to eat. So if I am miserable, I don't know why I don't just be hungry and miserable instead of trying to ameliorate my misery. Its something to think about, really.
So here I go. I am hungry right now. I feel like I wish more than anything I can eat whatever I wanted, all the delicious food, and still be thin like I used to be. i USED to be this way when I was a teen and early 20s. I could eat whatever I wanted. but the funny thing was, although I did do that, I was nauseous all the time and didn't want to eat. I would skip breakfast every day (I may start doing that again, fuck what they say about healthy diets including breakfast, for all I know that message is sponsored by the grain farmers or something), sometimes skip lunch or just have nachos or something in the high school cafeteria. my parents never had anything worth eating in the house so I would go hungry cuz I was too lazy to go out and get something, or had no money. Oh, and I smoked like a crazy person, so that helped also. Sometimes I want to go back to smoking. I loved it and it really grounded my life, every hour or so to go out into the fresh air and have some thinking time. I was more alive then, always smoking cuz I was stressed about something in my life. Now I have no stress, and my life is boring. But knowing me, I would then just smoke and be fat still anyway, and I don't want to be that incredibly white trash.
My friend just went to get a coffee and donut. We are always partners in crime with getting nasty things to put in our body, but she didn't offer today and I didn't ask for a donut. I can pass that up. But now I do have this thought in my head, like I have some kind of permission to eat also, something delicious. I feel sorry for myself that I ate this stupid protein shake for breakfast instead of something delicious like eggs and toast.
I am angry that I have to be hungry all the time. And I am miserable like this, pretty much most of the time unless I am eating or about to eat. So if I am miserable, I don't know why I don't just be hungry and miserable instead of trying to ameliorate my misery. Its something to think about, really.
Today
This isn't going to be a diet log for a while, its going to be my rants and rave, using it somewhat as a journal or somewhere to process my thoughts, let them stream out of my conscious, etc. Since I can't physically write in a journal while I am at work this is the next best thing, and it will still look like I am typing and doing work. Most of my thoughts will probably seem crazy to others and I really don't care. I am what I am.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, January 14
Breakfast (9:30 am): 2 eggs-over-medium, hash browns and 2 pieces whole wheat toast w/butter from Denny's. Water.
Snack (11:00 am): hot chocolate
Lunch (1pm): Subway again- 6 inch whole wheat roll (I asked him to scoop some bread out and he did but not much and looked at me like I was crazy) with veggie patty and the works. Ton of veggies, the only bad things were the bread, swiss cheese and mayo.
Lay's Baked potato chips.
Snack (3:45pm): half a bowl of home made kale and white bean soup
Snack (4:10pm): hot chocolate
I walked up to the door of subway all the while thinking I was going to try making a salad there, but something overcame me and I gave in to getting a sandwich and chips. I was thinking in my head, 'I am going to be starting my strict budget this weekend and won't be able to spend money at lunch anymore, I'll be bringing stuff from home. So I will have exactly what I like these last few days.' I wasn't even that hungry, I was still full from breakfast. I feel like a glutton that has no control, and I knew I would hate myself and I do.
Snack (11:00 am): hot chocolate
Lunch (1pm): Subway again- 6 inch whole wheat roll (I asked him to scoop some bread out and he did but not much and looked at me like I was crazy) with veggie patty and the works. Ton of veggies, the only bad things were the bread, swiss cheese and mayo.
Lay's Baked potato chips.
Snack (3:45pm): half a bowl of home made kale and white bean soup
Snack (4:10pm): hot chocolate
I walked up to the door of subway all the while thinking I was going to try making a salad there, but something overcame me and I gave in to getting a sandwich and chips. I was thinking in my head, 'I am going to be starting my strict budget this weekend and won't be able to spend money at lunch anymore, I'll be bringing stuff from home. So I will have exactly what I like these last few days.' I wasn't even that hungry, I was still full from breakfast. I feel like a glutton that has no control, and I knew I would hate myself and I do.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday, January 13
Breakfast: skipped
11:00: Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate
1:00: two-thirds of a Subway footlong Veggie Delite (see below) + Lay's Plain Baked Potato Chips
whole wheat bread, American Cheese, lettuce, spinach, tomato, cucumber, red onion, green pepper, yellow pepper, olives, pickles, mayo
3:30: half a can of Progresso Vegetable Italiano (100cal)
5:15: leftover homemade Indian food (spicy chickpeas, raisins, etc.) with white rice
6:00: last 1/3 sub from Subway with leftover chips in bag
7:30: egg drop soup, egg roll
10:00 apple with peanut butter
My mood today:
Morning- Afternoon: Very depressed feeling, feeling worried and helpless about my very sick pet, feeling like I hate everyone around me, not happy for anyone. My face feels mushy when I hold it up with my hand.
Thinking about exercising tonight, but I already invited friends over and of course I would rather keep those plans and relax.
I felt very quiet at night. My boyfriend kept trying to talk to me but I wanted quiet time. Lately I want to do everything in text- AIM, facebook, craigslist. It feels like a lot of effort to talk. I don't feel like I have a lot to say except to complain about things. I find myself wanting to snap at people.
11:00: Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate
1:00: two-thirds of a Subway footlong Veggie Delite (see below) + Lay's Plain Baked Potato Chips
whole wheat bread, American Cheese, lettuce, spinach, tomato, cucumber, red onion, green pepper, yellow pepper, olives, pickles, mayo
3:30: half a can of Progresso Vegetable Italiano (100cal)
5:15: leftover homemade Indian food (spicy chickpeas, raisins, etc.) with white rice
6:00: last 1/3 sub from Subway with leftover chips in bag
7:30: egg drop soup, egg roll
10:00 apple with peanut butter
My mood today:
Morning- Afternoon: Very depressed feeling, feeling worried and helpless about my very sick pet, feeling like I hate everyone around me, not happy for anyone. My face feels mushy when I hold it up with my hand.
Thinking about exercising tonight, but I already invited friends over and of course I would rather keep those plans and relax.
I felt very quiet at night. My boyfriend kept trying to talk to me but I wanted quiet time. Lately I want to do everything in text- AIM, facebook, craigslist. It feels like a lot of effort to talk. I don't feel like I have a lot to say except to complain about things. I find myself wanting to snap at people.
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