The only time I have been able to lose weight in the last 5 years, I was on a high protein, very low calorie diet prescribed by my physician. I spent most of my time at my internship last year finding a secret corner to write my thoughts in because I was quite miserable and scared. But I am at the point of numbness and numbing myself with food and sleep and alcohol that I would rather feel miserable and scared than like a zombie anymore. So I will write down my miserableness here and maybe this will help me stay off fatty foods like it helped me survive on that diet last year.

So here I go. I am hungry right now. I feel like I wish more than anything I can eat whatever I wanted, all the delicious food, and still be thin like I used to be. i USED to be this way when I was a teen and early 20s. I could eat whatever I wanted. but the funny thing was, although I did do that, I was nauseous all the time and didn't want to eat. I would skip breakfast every day (I may start doing that again, fuck what they say about healthy diets including breakfast, for all I know that message is sponsored by the grain farmers or something), sometimes skip lunch or just have nachos or something in the high school cafeteria. my parents never had anything worth eating in the house so I would go hungry cuz I was too lazy to go out and get something, or had no money. Oh, and I smoked like a crazy person, so that helped also. Sometimes I want to go back to smoking. I loved it and it really grounded my life, every hour or so to go out into the fresh air and have some thinking time. I was more alive then, always smoking cuz I was stressed about something in my life. Now I have no stress, and my life is boring. But knowing me, I would then just smoke and be fat still anyway, and I don't want to be that incredibly white trash.

My friend just went to get a coffee and donut. We are always partners in crime with getting nasty things to put in our body, but she didn't offer today and I didn't ask for a donut. I can pass that up. But now I do have this thought in my head, like I have some kind of permission to eat also, something delicious. I feel sorry for myself that I ate this stupid protein shake for breakfast instead of something delicious like eggs and toast.

I am angry that I have to be hungry all the time. And I am miserable like this, pretty much most of the time unless I am eating or about to eat. So if I am miserable, I don't know why I don't just be hungry and miserable instead of trying to ameliorate my misery. Its something to think about, really.