I ate like shit for lunch again. WON'T SOMEBODY HELP ME? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF! Once again I hate myself and feel hopeless and depressed. Did I mention I am just about 160 now at 158.1? I spent time thinking of solutions like going back to Dr. Solomon* or maybe I will just go to some kind of weight rehab for a few weeks. But then I thought, no nothing will help. It is hopeless. That is how I feel! I feel hopeless to think of somewhere to go or someone to help. Nothing has worked. I will be fat! I HATE ME.

I ate half a fried fish sandwich w/ tartar sauce and lettuce on rye, half the fries they have me, half the cole slaw, and some chicken noodle soup (which I am a vegetarian so I can't even control myself there. My dad made me get it and I didn't have the courage or communication ability to say, No, remember I am a vegetarian? I just figured I would eat the noodles and vegetables out of it.

Before I had gone to lunch I was instant messaging with my boyfriend and he said this to me:
Boyfriend: its painful for me to watch... you go from excited about goals to total anxiety, to depression and resignation, to smiling and doing things the old way so quickly, such quick shifts in mindset. all over the course of the same day.
Boyfriend: i feel like i don't know what to do to help you
Boyfriend: sometimes i feel like if i ignore it you'll figure it out

So what do I do? I just looked at pictures of some of my friends on facebook. Some of them are so beautifully thin, I love the look of a woman's neck bones and pretty neck area. I feel so depressed- I believe it sometimes that I could do it but mostly I don't. I feel depressed and like I am what I am, fat and ugly. Maybe I am meant to be this way because that is just what I am. What is wrong with me. Maybe I need depression meds. I am on a small dose of medication but maybe I have been in denial about how bad my depression really is.

P.S. If someone knows how to add a jump so my blog entries aren't so long, let me know. But I probably will give up on writing in this journal before long, anyway.