I started a new post so I cAn utilize this jump and each and every rant won't take up my whole blog front page. So anyway back to my bitterness over having a strong appetite. Why do I have to spend my days daydreaming about all the delicious things i would like to eat? I want to live. I am sick of daydreaming about food, I want other excitement in my life. Its depressing! But its true. Right now I am dreaming of scrambled eggs and toast from Denny's right next door to my work. I am also dreaming of someway to have 'healthy' nachoes for dinner tonight, with fresh guacomole, cheese, beans and corn, fresh salsa. I am trying to get my SO to make it for us. Did I mention how lazy I am also? And how self-hating I will be in my rants and raves. It is true, it is really what I am thinking all the time.

He just said he doesn't want nachos, and I feel angry inside. Yeah it is fat of me to want nachoes for dinner. He wants the leftover vegan stew he made that we still have a lot of in the fridge. How is he always able to choose the responsible choice. I don't understand how he does it so serenely.

I was thinking of children this morning. I really don't want them to be fat growing up. I want them to at least have what I have, a childhood where they felt happy with their bodies and no one made fun of them for anything like that. Will I be able to do it with my current food issues? I doubt it. But I feel so miserable now, I am predicting a lifetime of misery and I will always be trying to feel better temporarily by eating.

When can I be alive? I don't even have sex. I used to confide in my friends about it, but I am too embarrassed to admit we are still having this problem. I don't even have sex or masturbate at all anymore. I am a shell of a person, a zombie with no human urges. That's how I feel. Soul-less. Passion-less. Numb. Frigid. Cold. Reserved.

My boyfriend just ticked me off again. BTW, I realize when I am ticked off that its for stupid reasons, that's why I am choosing to write about it here rather than say something. But lately, I have been feeling like for every one sentence I say, he says 20. I feel like it gets annoying listening to him, frankly. Then I feel bad for feeling that way about someone i love and I should be willing to listen to them no matter how long it seems like it takes them to express themselves. I think I may be the one who is abnormal here, because I don't talk much and when I do I prefer it to be short and sweet. I feel angry with him.

Now I am acting out. He got shitty groceries and wasted $120 doing so. He never wants us to fight, he thinks we have a terrible relationship if we do so. Or when we fight, we have to be so sweet and kind and respectful to one another. I want emotions damnit!

My brother is going skiing, talking about it on the phone. I feel bitter Barry is sick and I can't do anything this winter. Its terrible of me to say. based on everything I have said here, I might just be a horrible bitter resentful, miserable person.