I ate like shit for lunch again. WON'T SOMEBODY HELP ME? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF! Once again I hate myself and feel hopeless and depressed. Did I mention I am just about 160 now at 158.1? I spent time thinking of solutions like going back to Dr. Solomon* or maybe I will just go to some kind of weight rehab for a few weeks. But then I thought, no nothing will help. It is hopeless. That is how I feel! I feel hopeless to think of somewhere to go or someone to help. Nothing has worked. I will be fat! I HATE ME.
I ate half a fried fish sandwich w/ tartar sauce and lettuce on rye, half the fries they have me, half the cole slaw, and some chicken noodle soup (which I am a vegetarian so I can't even control myself there. My dad made me get it and I didn't have the courage or communication ability to say, No, remember I am a vegetarian? I just figured I would eat the noodles and vegetables out of it.
Before I had gone to lunch I was instant messaging with my boyfriend and he said this to me:
Boyfriend: its painful for me to watch... you go from excited about goals to total anxiety, to depression and resignation, to smiling and doing things the old way so quickly, such quick shifts in mindset. all over the course of the same day.
Boyfriend: i feel like i don't know what to do to help you
Boyfriend: sometimes i feel like if i ignore it you'll figure it out
So what do I do? I just looked at pictures of some of my friends on facebook. Some of them are so beautifully thin, I love the look of a woman's neck bones and pretty neck area. I feel so depressed- I believe it sometimes that I could do it but mostly I don't. I feel depressed and like I am what I am, fat and ugly. Maybe I am meant to be this way because that is just what I am. What is wrong with me. Maybe I need depression meds. I am on a small dose of medication but maybe I have been in denial about how bad my depression really is.
P.S. If someone knows how to add a jump so my blog entries aren't so long, let me know. But I probably will give up on writing in this journal before long, anyway.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I started a new post so I cAn utilize this jump and each and every rant won't take up my whole blog front page. So anyway back to my bitterness over having a strong appetite. Why do I have to spend my days daydreaming about all the delicious things i would like to eat? I want to live. I am sick of daydreaming about food, I want other excitement in my life. Its depressing! But its true. Right now I am dreaming of scrambled eggs and toast from Denny's right next door to my work. I am also dreaming of someway to have 'healthy' nachoes for dinner tonight, with fresh guacomole, cheese, beans and corn, fresh salsa. I am trying to get my SO to make it for us. Did I mention how lazy I am also? And how self-hating I will be in my rants and raves. It is true, it is really what I am thinking all the time.
He just said he doesn't want nachos, and I feel angry inside. Yeah it is fat of me to want nachoes for dinner. He wants the leftover vegan stew he made that we still have a lot of in the fridge. How is he always able to choose the responsible choice. I don't understand how he does it so serenely.
I was thinking of children this morning. I really don't want them to be fat growing up. I want them to at least have what I have, a childhood where they felt happy with their bodies and no one made fun of them for anything like that. Will I be able to do it with my current food issues? I doubt it. But I feel so miserable now, I am predicting a lifetime of misery and I will always be trying to feel better temporarily by eating.
When can I be alive? I don't even have sex. I used to confide in my friends about it, but I am too embarrassed to admit we are still having this problem. I don't even have sex or masturbate at all anymore. I am a shell of a person, a zombie with no human urges. That's how I feel. Soul-less. Passion-less. Numb. Frigid. Cold. Reserved.
My boyfriend just ticked me off again. BTW, I realize when I am ticked off that its for stupid reasons, that's why I am choosing to write about it here rather than say something. But lately, I have been feeling like for every one sentence I say, he says 20. I feel like it gets annoying listening to him, frankly. Then I feel bad for feeling that way about someone i love and I should be willing to listen to them no matter how long it seems like it takes them to express themselves. I think I may be the one who is abnormal here, because I don't talk much and when I do I prefer it to be short and sweet. I feel angry with him.
Now I am acting out. He got shitty groceries and wasted $120 doing so. He never wants us to fight, he thinks we have a terrible relationship if we do so. Or when we fight, we have to be so sweet and kind and respectful to one another. I want emotions damnit!
My brother is going skiing, talking about it on the phone. I feel bitter Barry is sick and I can't do anything this winter. Its terrible of me to say. based on everything I have said here, I might just be a horrible bitter resentful, miserable person.
He just said he doesn't want nachos, and I feel angry inside. Yeah it is fat of me to want nachoes for dinner. He wants the leftover vegan stew he made that we still have a lot of in the fridge. How is he always able to choose the responsible choice. I don't understand how he does it so serenely.
I was thinking of children this morning. I really don't want them to be fat growing up. I want them to at least have what I have, a childhood where they felt happy with their bodies and no one made fun of them for anything like that. Will I be able to do it with my current food issues? I doubt it. But I feel so miserable now, I am predicting a lifetime of misery and I will always be trying to feel better temporarily by eating.
When can I be alive? I don't even have sex. I used to confide in my friends about it, but I am too embarrassed to admit we are still having this problem. I don't even have sex or masturbate at all anymore. I am a shell of a person, a zombie with no human urges. That's how I feel. Soul-less. Passion-less. Numb. Frigid. Cold. Reserved.
My boyfriend just ticked me off again. BTW, I realize when I am ticked off that its for stupid reasons, that's why I am choosing to write about it here rather than say something. But lately, I have been feeling like for every one sentence I say, he says 20. I feel like it gets annoying listening to him, frankly. Then I feel bad for feeling that way about someone i love and I should be willing to listen to them no matter how long it seems like it takes them to express themselves. I think I may be the one who is abnormal here, because I don't talk much and when I do I prefer it to be short and sweet. I feel angry with him.
Now I am acting out. He got shitty groceries and wasted $120 doing so. He never wants us to fight, he thinks we have a terrible relationship if we do so. Or when we fight, we have to be so sweet and kind and respectful to one another. I want emotions damnit!
My brother is going skiing, talking about it on the phone. I feel bitter Barry is sick and I can't do anything this winter. Its terrible of me to say. based on everything I have said here, I might just be a horrible bitter resentful, miserable person.
The only time I have been able to lose weight in the last 5 years, I was on a high protein, very low calorie diet prescribed by my physician. I spent most of my time at my internship last year finding a secret corner to write my thoughts in because I was quite miserable and scared. But I am at the point of numbness and numbing myself with food and sleep and alcohol that I would rather feel miserable and scared than like a zombie anymore. So I will write down my miserableness here and maybe this will help me stay off fatty foods like it helped me survive on that diet last year.
So here I go. I am hungry right now. I feel like I wish more than anything I can eat whatever I wanted, all the delicious food, and still be thin like I used to be. i USED to be this way when I was a teen and early 20s. I could eat whatever I wanted. but the funny thing was, although I did do that, I was nauseous all the time and didn't want to eat. I would skip breakfast every day (I may start doing that again, fuck what they say about healthy diets including breakfast, for all I know that message is sponsored by the grain farmers or something), sometimes skip lunch or just have nachos or something in the high school cafeteria. my parents never had anything worth eating in the house so I would go hungry cuz I was too lazy to go out and get something, or had no money. Oh, and I smoked like a crazy person, so that helped also. Sometimes I want to go back to smoking. I loved it and it really grounded my life, every hour or so to go out into the fresh air and have some thinking time. I was more alive then, always smoking cuz I was stressed about something in my life. Now I have no stress, and my life is boring. But knowing me, I would then just smoke and be fat still anyway, and I don't want to be that incredibly white trash.
My friend just went to get a coffee and donut. We are always partners in crime with getting nasty things to put in our body, but she didn't offer today and I didn't ask for a donut. I can pass that up. But now I do have this thought in my head, like I have some kind of permission to eat also, something delicious. I feel sorry for myself that I ate this stupid protein shake for breakfast instead of something delicious like eggs and toast.
I am angry that I have to be hungry all the time. And I am miserable like this, pretty much most of the time unless I am eating or about to eat. So if I am miserable, I don't know why I don't just be hungry and miserable instead of trying to ameliorate my misery. Its something to think about, really.
So here I go. I am hungry right now. I feel like I wish more than anything I can eat whatever I wanted, all the delicious food, and still be thin like I used to be. i USED to be this way when I was a teen and early 20s. I could eat whatever I wanted. but the funny thing was, although I did do that, I was nauseous all the time and didn't want to eat. I would skip breakfast every day (I may start doing that again, fuck what they say about healthy diets including breakfast, for all I know that message is sponsored by the grain farmers or something), sometimes skip lunch or just have nachos or something in the high school cafeteria. my parents never had anything worth eating in the house so I would go hungry cuz I was too lazy to go out and get something, or had no money. Oh, and I smoked like a crazy person, so that helped also. Sometimes I want to go back to smoking. I loved it and it really grounded my life, every hour or so to go out into the fresh air and have some thinking time. I was more alive then, always smoking cuz I was stressed about something in my life. Now I have no stress, and my life is boring. But knowing me, I would then just smoke and be fat still anyway, and I don't want to be that incredibly white trash.
My friend just went to get a coffee and donut. We are always partners in crime with getting nasty things to put in our body, but she didn't offer today and I didn't ask for a donut. I can pass that up. But now I do have this thought in my head, like I have some kind of permission to eat also, something delicious. I feel sorry for myself that I ate this stupid protein shake for breakfast instead of something delicious like eggs and toast.
I am angry that I have to be hungry all the time. And I am miserable like this, pretty much most of the time unless I am eating or about to eat. So if I am miserable, I don't know why I don't just be hungry and miserable instead of trying to ameliorate my misery. Its something to think about, really.
Today
This isn't going to be a diet log for a while, its going to be my rants and rave, using it somewhat as a journal or somewhere to process my thoughts, let them stream out of my conscious, etc. Since I can't physically write in a journal while I am at work this is the next best thing, and it will still look like I am typing and doing work. Most of my thoughts will probably seem crazy to others and I really don't care. I am what I am.
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